dark paradise
by katielynnleigh
Summary: "i'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side.." / short one shot based off of dark paradise by lana del rey, might be continued. / somewhat angsty? rated 't' to be safe.


this is somewhat based off of** 'dark paradise'** by** lana del rey**, just a heads up. but, yeah, it's spirited away. it's my favorite movie, and i love kohaku and chihiro more than anything. inspiration for this struck randomly when dark paradise started playing on my itunes. and it's written in first person. just fyi.

so, please, let me know what you think! i was thinking of continuing this and making this chapter the epilogue, but i haven't decided yet. so if you think i should continue it, please let me know!

**disclaimers:**

**i am not the lovely lana del rey and did not write the lyrics/music for dark paradise.**

**i did not write, animate or direct spirited away.** (though, if i did, it DEFINITELY would have ended differently).

* * *

The closest thing I've ever had to a friend was my conscience. And it always told me that I needed to move on.

Every night, I awoke in a puddle of cold sweat, gasping for air. Sometimes crying. It's been crying more recently. Images of Haku would flood my mind. I know I'm going to love him for forever. It feels so.. so right. Loving Haku comes so naturally, even though to this day I don't know for sure if he – and my entire experience in the Spirit World – was real or just a figment of my imagination. Moving on and getting over him would be much easier if he were here.. but he's not.

Absolutely nothing can make me forget him. His face is almost imprinted in my mind. It won't leave. I can hear him talking to me, telling me to calm down and that everything would be okay.. yet I still find myself wishing I was dead when I awake from my dreams of him every morning.

Every time I close my eyes, he's there. In the Spirit world. The paradise that could sometimes become so dark. No one could ever compare to him, I miss him so terribly. I want more than anything to go back to the woods and through the tunnel that leads to the Spirit world.. but I'm afraid he won't be waiting on the other side. That's my worst fear; that I'll find the tunnel and go through it and he won't be there. It would confirm that none of it was real.

I constantly find myself asking myself how I've stayed strong for so long. Five years isn't really a long time until you think about it. Five birthdays. Five Christmases. Five new years. Five anniversaries of when I crossed back into the human world. Five years since I last saw Rin. Zeniba. Kunajii. Haku. My guess is that I've been so strong because, like Zeniba told me, you never really forget someone once you meet them. That gives me to hope that, maybe, it was all real. That Haku is real.

It's the worst at school. In my geography class just today, we were discussing rivers.. and we talked about the Kohaku River. My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. I was on the verge of tears, but I didn't cry; I hadn't cried since Haku and I found out his name five years ago. Every time someone said the word 'Kohaku', my stomach twisted and turned into knots. I think I was on the verge of a panic attack, at one point. It was the worst feeling in the world. Having something that means so much to you mentioned, but not being able to say anything or contribute because everyone would think you're crazy. But who am I to blame? If someone said that they were in love with the spirit of a river that they met in some other world, I'd probably think they were crazy, too. But, I held it all in.

But now, that I'm home and alone.. it's all coming out.

There's no escaping this. Any of it. I see Haku every night in my sleep. Everyone's always rushing me – classmates. Teachers. My parents. Yet.. I can feel Haku touching me. Holding my hand. Wrapping me in his arms. I can't get away from it. Haku haunts me to this day.

I need sleep so badly right now. And I want to sleep, so I can see Haku. And lord knows I don't want to wake up. I just need to be with Haku. Just a little bit longer.


End file.
